Thursday, June 27, 2013

I'm afraid to tell . . .

So the past month or so I have had a rough time. I smile and hide it like any person would because I don't want to let people know how hard of a time I'm having. Its exhausting pretending that everything is ok when its so clearly not in my head. I find it interesting that what causes me to spiral most is mainly money, work and weight issues. I equate my life and everything I do to a roller coaster ride. Its pretty appropriate when you think about it. The tick tick tick of going up is always so exciting and exhilarating the anticipation of what is going to come when you head on the downward ride. Except for me I feel like I anticipate when things are going to go wrong because inevitably they always do, you can't just have a good go of things for a while without something happening.

Our ride up was good, we had minimal debt. Spencer had a good job where he worked days and everyone was on a good schedule. Gavin and Rowan's school was great and I was really used to the schedule we were on. We were paying things off but we were just doing the same thing as always. Things were good but boring and predictable. We've been trying to figure out when Spencer could go back to school but as usual we were dragging our feet because things were good, why mess with something that is good right? Well like usual the Lord sees me standing at the edge of cliff trying to will myself to take the next leap and I keep saying "I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna jump!" and then I chicken out and say I'm too scared. That leap to go to school full time and live off student loans and finally finish his degree is a big one. Well the Lord sees me standing there for months and months and finally he comes up and says "You know you've been standing there too long now I'm just going to have to push you."

The big push came after Spencer had a medical emergency at work. Instead of calling me or my mom to come get him he called an ambulance, mistake number one. Ambulance rides are expensive and not covered by insurance. He got checked out at the hospital and everything looked fine, more money. Then he went to the doctor and did follow up tests and more money, everything came back totally fine and normal. In the meantime his work switched him to swing shift pending him getting the okay from the doctor to go back to days. His work has saved us financially but the way they run their business sucks. With how many times he's bailed them out and done shifts for them (with no extra overtime but being comped out) you'd think they would show their appreciation but they never have. They made the decision after he was cleared by the doctor that they liked him better on swing shift and didn't switch him back. Well that didn't bode so great for our schedule but we dealt hoping they would change their mind. Since then people have quit and been moved around and the past two weeks he's been working different shifts every day because he's the only one who stays put and is certified at his work. So treat him like crap and then when they're in a bind expect him to drop everything to do whatever shift he's needed on, because they know he won't quit because he has a family to support.

I've been going downward physically, emotionally, hormonally. You name it I'm not doing well. I've gained back a lot of what I lost and I feel sick and tired and like garbage. This past month I skipped a period which hasn't happened in a while but I know its because I gained back weight that I had lost and just the stress of it all makes that happen. I hide it a lot, stay home most days and just try to make it to bedtime without blowing up. I usually do pretty good but lately its gotten hard. I feel very alone in this and even if nobody ever reads my thoughts its helpful to get it out even if it means it helps me put words to what I'm feeling, an outlet.

I will admit that some days I yell, some days I don't want to get out of bed, some days I cuss and freak out even, some days I don't even really want to talk to anyone because I feel a little numb and I'm afraid people will know that I'm not ok. In our church we have what are called visiting teachers where each woman is assigned two women to visit once a month and make sure everything is ok. I've been screening calls from mine because I really don't want to have visitors and to have to pretend that I'm ok when I'm really not doing well. I feel like I have few friends that I see at church but nobody super close that I can talk to. I need help, I know I do but asking for it is very hard for me. I want to get out of this funk but its hard for me to when nobody knows and I feel too embarrassed to ask for it. So for now I'll put on my "pretend happy" face and hopefully soon my face will match how I feel once again. All I know is I really don't like feeling this way.