You don't know what you've got til' it's gone. . .

No nothing has happened with the pregnancy. Everything is going well but I felt inspired to write about this subject because it seems like I have a group of close friends and one family member who are struggling with it and I wish I could take it away. Not that these people are infertile but they are going through what I've gone through so far in my reproductive life and it seems like some bizarro life switch has happened and now I am the one with no problems getting pregnant this time and they are trying so hard without success. I was talking to my sister (I hope she doesn't mind me writing this but I just feel like I needed to get it out). She lost a baby back in December at 23 weeks pregnant and I know she is struggling the most right now because she needs to get pregnant again and so far hasn't been able to get pregnant.

The reason for my title: It's almost a cruel joke that when you really aren't struggling to get pregnant or having struggles with something this hard you have no problems with it but when it's most important and you want to and NEED to like she does, she can't. I feel like the best thing I can do for her right now is listen and tell her I know what she's feeling and going through because heck that's my life when trying to have kids. I've had to accept the fact that I have a special doctor and medications and injections to get pregnant and stay pregnant but I've never wished that my worst enemy would go through what I have had to, to get to that point of acceptance, let alone someone this close to me who I love so much.

I wish I could go back and never have to go through the miscarriages I had because I feel like I have post traumatic stress disorder. I will never know what it's like not to worry about losing a pregnancy. I will never know the excitement without the fear when in my first trimester. As she's told me, she will never even feel like she's at a safe point in her pregnancy because she was 23 weeks and there was no indicator that anything was wrong and that would terrify me too.

You don't know what you've got til' it's gone. That security knowing that you are going to have a problem free pregnancy and a healthy baby at the end. For those of you who have never had a miscarriage and healthy, problem free pregnancies I can give you a glimpse into what we go through. I am almost 10 weeks pregnant. Every time I feel a pain, or wake up feeling "good" I am terrified that I am miscarrying and check for blood. Every time I go to the bathroom, I wipe 3 or 4 times making sure there isn't any blood. I am terrified in between appointments that something will happen so I bought a doppler to listen to the heartbeat. The list goes on and I will stop at that.

Despite all of it I thank the Lord every day that he blessed me with my doctor and his insight as to how to help me become pregnant with my miracle boys. For those of you who know the struggles I speak of I wish I could take it all away and you would never have to experience it. I have gone through it long enough and dealt with it that I would do it all again just to spare those I love from that heartache. At the same time I feel like there is a reason for it happening, not that the Lord decided to teach you a lesson by taking your child but out of it happening he is trying to teach you something, whether it is turning to him more and asking for help, trusting in him. I hope you know that all of you who are dealing with this, I am here to listen and love you and know what you are going through. I just wish I could do more. Lots of prayers to all of you!