You don't know what you've got til' it's gone. . .

No nothing has happened with the pregnancy. Everything is going well but I felt inspired to write about this subject because it seems like I have a group of close friends and one family member who are struggling with it and I wish I could take it away. Not that these people are infertile but they are going through what I've gone through so far in my reproductive life and it seems like some bizarro life switch has happened and now I am the one with no problems getting pregnant this time and they are trying so hard without success. I was talking to my sister (I hope she doesn't mind me writing this but I just feel like I needed to get it out). She lost a baby back in December at 23 weeks pregnant and I know she is struggling the most right now because she needs to get pregnant again and so far hasn't been able to get pregnant.

The reason for my title: It's almost a cruel joke that when you really aren't struggling to get pregnant or having struggles with something this hard you have no problems with it but when it's most important and you want to and NEED to like she does, she can't. I feel like the best thing I can do for her right now is listen and tell her I know what she's feeling and going through because heck that's my life when trying to have kids. I've had to accept the fact that I have a special doctor and medications and injections to get pregnant and stay pregnant but I've never wished that my worst enemy would go through what I have had to, to get to that point of acceptance, let alone someone this close to me who I love so much.

I wish I could go back and never have to go through the miscarriages I had because I feel like I have post traumatic stress disorder. I will never know what it's like not to worry about losing a pregnancy. I will never know the excitement without the fear when in my first trimester. As she's told me, she will never even feel like she's at a safe point in her pregnancy because she was 23 weeks and there was no indicator that anything was wrong and that would terrify me too.

You don't know what you've got til' it's gone. That security knowing that you are going to have a problem free pregnancy and a healthy baby at the end. For those of you who have never had a miscarriage and healthy, problem free pregnancies I can give you a glimpse into what we go through. I am almost 10 weeks pregnant. Every time I feel a pain, or wake up feeling "good" I am terrified that I am miscarrying and check for blood. Every time I go to the bathroom, I wipe 3 or 4 times making sure there isn't any blood. I am terrified in between appointments that something will happen so I bought a doppler to listen to the heartbeat. The list goes on and I will stop at that.

Despite all of it I thank the Lord every day that he blessed me with my doctor and his insight as to how to help me become pregnant with my miracle boys. For those of you who know the struggles I speak of I wish I could take it all away and you would never have to experience it. I have gone through it long enough and dealt with it that I would do it all again just to spare those I love from that heartache. At the same time I feel like there is a reason for it happening, not that the Lord decided to teach you a lesson by taking your child but out of it happening he is trying to teach you something, whether it is turning to him more and asking for help, trusting in him. I hope you know that all of you who are dealing with this, I am here to listen and love you and know what you are going through. I just wish I could do more. Lots of prayers to all of you!

The Sweetest Sound

Most of you know that I am expecting my 3rd baby, and in turn have had to go through the progesterone injections and will get my second ultrasound soon. Baby Beard is doing good so far but for peace of mind between appointments I bought a doppler to be able to check out baby's heartbeat every once in a while. Because it's so small I am not feeling the baby yet but being able to check out that bean is doing good brings me lots of peace of mind. I got my doppler in the mail yesterday and tried it out as soon as I got it and voila! Found it within minutes! The sweetest sound that my ears have ever heard. Here's the baby's first ultrasound when it was a peice of rice, in 5 days I will be having my second ultrasound and hopefully it'll be a peanut by then. Enjoy!

Christmas: Beard Style

For Christmas this year we actually worked really hard at not being grinches. I'm not really a Grinch persay but it's hard to put up a christmas tree when both your kids are born in the winter and right before and after Christmas. In turn 2006 we had no tree because I was due after and didn't want to have to take it down, 2008 we had the charlie brown christmas tree pictured here because Rowan was just born and I was still healing and well we were too lazy to put one up and have to take it down after Christmas so call me Grinch.

This year though we had a change of heart, I feel like Gavin is old enough to remember these fun memories so I went all out and decorated this year. It was so much fun and he was so cute about wanting to put the decorations on himself on the tree.

Placing his first christmas ornament on the tree. It's a little baby puppy in a jolly jumper and says "My first Christmas 2006"

Rowan even got in on the decorating action, he was so cute. This year he learned to say "Santa" and he points him out whenever he sees anything remotely that looks like Santa. He was surprisingly not too bad with the tree, I had it put up on the coffee table so that it was high enough to not be a temptation. Our tree has become traditionally a cartoon kid tree. One year we even put a stuffed Spongebob on the top for an "Angel" to complete the ensemble. If you look closely at the end result you'll see: The Incredible Hulk, Wolverine, Spiderman, Fairly Oddparents, Spongebob, Princess Leia and Quaigon Jin, and various other cartoon and comic characters. Having boys so far we have kind of kept it kiddie and I really love it.

We had a very full Christmas this year and were blessed to have a lot of family here. Gavin and Rowan's Auntie Amanda and now Uncle Donovan got sealed on December 22nd 3 days before Christmas. It had been a long dating but it was worth it and they had a beautiful sealing and reception afterwards that evening. In turn everyone in the Beard family was here this year for Christmas which made for a very full but happy house. We had so much fun playing with cousins and Aunts and Uncles. Here is a picture of them outside the temple after they were sealed.

This is becoming a very long post so I am going to end it for the moment and I'll do part two when I have the time in a bit. I have to get the boys going and ready for Gavin to get on the bus. Look forward to the rest, To Be Continued . . . .

It's been a while

I need to get back into blogging but it's been so busy that I don't know where to start. Has it really been that long since I blogged?! Jeez well here goes. Lets see, last time I check I still don't have my license but I'm really REALLY close so don't say I'm slacking because I really am trying. I just have to get my parking and small maneuvering down and I'm good to go. I am thinking I might make the appointment and just do it so that I have a goal day to be done with it. Spencer had originally planned to do an internship with Big Brothers/Big Sisters of Western Washington to finish his degree but they were wishy washy and it fell through BUT we were blessed and shortly after it fell through his school advisor sent us a new one and he is currently working at that Wednesday through Friday and really enjoying it. It is with the Center for World Indigenous Studies and he is helping the IT guy there revamp and update 6 or more websites. He uses a Macintosh which is really different for him, but he said if he could afford one he would totally get a Mac because they are really user friendly and super nice. The last step to getting this degree done and hopefully a career in the future when he is done. That prospect has definately been a huge motivater for him to get this done.

Rowan and Gavin had their birthdays these past few months. Rowan turned one and we had a blast with family. I made him a Super Rowan cake. I don't know why but it seems to have become a tradition to make a small cake for their first birthdays with tons of bright colored frosting and let them go to town but by the end of it the colors muddle together and end up red or brown and my one year old sweet baby looks like a mini cannibal just finished his human meal! Yipes! I love the blackmail pics though so it works. They will come in handy when they have their first girlfriends along with all the other cute blackmail pics I have. I feel evil doing this but I can just see the fun potential for me and Spencer when our boys are teenagers.

I will catch you up on the events that have happened since Rowan's birthday in seperate posts just so that it isn't a ginormous post. I want to act like I actually thought to blog at these events lol even though I'm a slacker!

Here's a few pics of the birthday boy and all the events, hope you love them as much as I do!